:::: :

Stop Worrying
Love the Bomb
Bomb the Bass
Bass the Ammo


Steven C in Los Angeles
Matthew P in Hollywood


1. Fountain.
2. Fairfax.

Things go boom.
The Replacement Kill-borns

OK. That loud sucking noise you hear is the 12:30 timeslot opening up at CBS. Kilborn is out and Worldwide Pants has another crack at choosing an heir apparent to Letterman. For now, let's set aside Jon Stewart and the Must-Finish-Another-Year-Or-So-Of-His-Contract Conan O'Brien. We imagine we'll hear Chris Rock's name soon, but the surge of Dave Chappelle to the Funniest Black Man throne has, unfortunately, overshadowed the talented Rock. Two funny A-list black men are obviously too much for America to deal with.

H2BH is pulling for Tom Snyder, but we know better than to hope beyond hope

Names being bandied about in the passive voice include a few curious choices: Amy Sedaris (who would have to fit it in during the Strangers With Candy movie shoot), Jeffrey Ross (writer, standup, and Friar's Club host), and Jillian Barbarie, who we do not hate as much as you do.

But we know better. Like overzealous casting PAs, may we present to you our inspired choices. AFTER THE JUMP.

  1. Andy Richter
    Surely he learned something in his years with Conan, and his self-depreciating style will mesh well with the star egos he'll be dealing with day in and day out. And hell, he can't keep a sitcom afloat. We gotta keep this guy on TV somehow.
  2. Sarah Silverman
    We think Jeremy Piven's slimy agent character on Entourage suggested that Silverman should be hosting a late night show, so it must be a good idea. Think of all the years of starlets feeling compelled to flirt with Carson, Letterman, Leno, Conan... How would all those press junketing men deal with having a tough, funny, sexy woman quizzing them on air? Possibly more interesting, though: how would the women react, losing that flirting-with-the-press crutch?

    (Bonus points for romantic links to Jimmy Kimmel.)

  3. Tony Kornheiser
    For the sports disinclined, Kornheiser is a co-host of ESPN's Pardon the Interruption. (It's like Crossfire but funny and subject-appropriate.) If you feel that one must follow the Kilborn Example and wear your ESPN pedigree on your sleeve, then Kornheiser is your man. He's smart and telegenic (for a balding whitey) but would suffer fools poorly. His hook would be the paper mask segments he'd steal from PTI. All will be wonderful when he interviews Tom Cruise from behind a Nicole Kidman mask, assuming her persona: "You made me join your stupid religion. You wouldn't knock me up so I adopted kids. Did you punish me because I'm prettier than you?"
  4. Kurt Loder.
    Dude. Kurt Fucking Loder.
  5. Space Ghost.
    Why? He knows the format inside and out. More 18-35 year old guys watch [Adult Swim] on Cartoon Network than Leno, Letterman, et al. And CBS needs more exploding mantises. Long live George Lowe.
  6. MC Hammer & Emmanuel Lewis aka "The Hammy and Manny Show"
    Matching a late night host up with a sidekick is an essential but lost art. Richter was a masterstroke, but who could top McMahon? Snap! May we re-introduce the actor formerly known as Webster*. Pair him up with his Surreal Life co-star, the good Reverend Hammer and the love and laughs will flow. The celeb of the moment will hug Emmanuel and melt into a gooey puddle of public joy. No, we don't think that you can touch that.
  7. Ira Glass
    The format would have to change dramatically for This American Life's Glass to work... the interviews would take up the entire hour, and the audience would have to be silent while Ira waxed on about the fascinating route the celeb guest took to the studio and the history of the landmarks along the way, and the quirky little old women who run them. Little known fact: he is the anti-Andy Rooney. Most sentences out of his mouth go something like, "Don't you love it when..."
  8. Christopher Reeve
    You would watch. You're strangely compelled. And you would feel bad if you didn't.
  9. The entire Polyphonic Spree
    Wouldn't have to hire a band or wardrobe people.
  10. Janeane Garafalo, circa 1994
    This could be logistically difficult but hugely rewarding. Ms. Garofalo had a much better sense of humor back in the political environment of the Clinton administration. She teetered on the anger-humor precipice. And now she, like the rest of us, is angrier. She also no longer has a sense of humor. But once Napoleon Dynamite's uncle lends us his crotch-based time travelling machine, we'll set her up at 12:30p on CBS.
  11. other interesting possibilities:
    Iggy Pop
    Tina Fey
    Benicio del Toro
    Chris Eigeman
  12. The Inevitable Also Rans
    Wayne Brady
    Mo Rocca
    Drew Carey
    Jimmy Fallon
    Janeane Garafalo, circa 2004
  13. Quality Guest Assault Potential
    Dave Attel
    David Cross
    Robert Smigel/triumph
    Patton Oswald
    The Masturbating Bear

  14. For That Rat Pack Feel
    Vince Vaughn
    George Clooney
    Don Cheadle


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